Humans' Two Starting Points: The Psychological Theory of Everything Part 1: Understanding the Roots of Our Insecurities
In my mind, with my 45 years of studying relationships (ugh, getting old), I think it is helpful to understand that at the core of human nature, there are two fundamental starting principles that shape much of our psychological experience:
We are built for relationships—we crave connection, especially romantic love.
We are deeply afraid that we are not good enough to attain and keep that love.
These two opposing forces create a profound tension in our lives. On one hand, we long for deep, meaningful connections; on the other, we constantly question whether we are truly worthy of receiving them. Think about it. The one thing we most want in life is the very thing that we are most afraid we can not get! This is the underlying cause of most of human behavior, certainly the cause of many of our anxieties, overreactions, and self-defeating behaviors.
The Origin of Our Insecurities
“Insecurities,” “Self-Esteem,” “Self-Worth,” “Fear of Abandonment,” “Fear of Rejection.” -These are all terms to describe the dilemma of the two principles. If we do not manage these concepts are better understand the true nature of our worth, then we will continue to over react to these fears and actually end up hurting our relationships, causing the very thing we fear.
Our insecurities are not random; they are learned. Let’s look at the major categories of ways that we learn to fear that we are not enough. From the moment we are born, we begin to form beliefs about ourselves based on the way we are treated by the world around us—particularly by the people who have the most influence in our early years.
Childhood and the Messages We Internalize
Our first experience with love, worth, and security comes from our caregivers. A newborn is a blank slate—completely dependent on the people raising them to teach them what love, safety, and self-worth mean.
If a child is nurtured and consistently shown love, they begin to believe: "I am worthy of love."
If a child is neglected, ignored, or mistreated, they may instead believe: "I am not good enough to be loved."
Parents hold immense power in shaping our self-concept. Even well-meaning but emotionally unavailable parents can inadvertently send the message that love is conditional. For example:
A child who is only praised when they achieve something (e.g., getting good grades, excelling in sports) may grow up believing that their worth is tied to success rather than inherent value.
A child who experiences neglect or indifference may conclude that they are unimportant or undeserving of attention.
A child who suffers abuse—whether physical, emotional, or sexual—may internalize a belief that their value is tied to what they can offer others, rather than who they are.
These early lessons become ingrained in our subconscious, forming the foundation of how we see ourselves and relate to others.
Adolescence: The Insecurity Battlefield
If childhood plants the seeds of insecurity, adolescence is where they begin to take root. Middle school and high school are prime environments for reinforcing or exacerbating our fears about worthiness.
Teenagers are naturally self-conscious, and their world often revolves around peer approval. School is an interconnected social web where acceptance can feel like life or death. One misstep—wearing the "wrong" clothes, saying the "wrong" thing—can result in true social rejection. It is not just kids sounding dramatic. This environment teaches us to hyperfocus on what others think of us, often carrying this fear into adulthood.
Rejection in adolescence feels catastrophic because it confirms the deepest fear we already hold: "Maybe I’m not good enough."
Social comparison becomes a daily habit, reinforcing the idea that our worth is determined by how we measure up to others.
In reality, adult life is not as socially connected as high school. There is no single "in-group" or "out-group" in the real world. Yet, many of us continue to operate as if we must constantly prove ourselves to be accepted. And yet, we so often continue to act as if we are still in high school and that every person’s opinion of us matters.
Early Romantic Experiences and the Sting of Rejection
For many, romantic relationships are where insecurities are most painfully triggered. Love and connection are the things we desire most—and rejection in this domain cuts the deepest.
Imagine a young woman who experiences her first heartbreak. When her boyfriend breaks up with her, she initially processes the event in a rational way: "I wasn’t good enough for him." This is rational, but still very painful.
However, insecurity often warps this thought into something much more damaging:
"If he didn’t want me, maybe no one will."
"Maybe there’s something wrong with me."
"Maybe I’ll be alone forever."
“I might find someone, but they will probably not really love me, and will eventually leave me or cheat on me.”
“I’m going to die alone.” (A truly catastrophic idea, if it were true)
This spiral of irrational thinking is common. The pain of one rejection quickly turns into an exaggerated belief about our fundamental worthiness. Instead of seeing rejection as a single event, we generalize it into a core truth about ourselves.
The result? A heightened fear of abandonment that follows us into future relationships. We become hypervigilant, looking for signs that our next partner will also leave. This fear leads us to behave in ways that ironically push people away—becoming overly clingy, jealous, controlling, or emotionally distant. It can certainly keep us from admitting when we are wrong in arguments. No relationship can survive without that ability to resolve disputes.
Men and Women Both Struggle With Insecurity (In Different Ways)
Insecurities are not exclusive to any one gender. Women tend to express insecurity in more visible ways—such as seeking reassurance, overanalyzing, or struggling with body image. Some women’s hyper sense of emotionality and falsely relying on the truth of their “feelings” feeds these insecurities, and in turn, the insecurities feeds their emotional dysregulation.
New flash though! Men are actually human! We have feelings, deep seeded worries of not being good enough. Men are just as insecure as women. One difference is that many men lack the self-awareness to recognize it and/or articulate these feelings to their partner.
A man may not openly admit his fear of rejection, but it shows up in his behaviors—overcompensating by being hyper-masculine, chasing status, or avoiding vulnerability altogether.
Even in male friendships, men often engage in competition or one-upmanship to prove their worth, though they may not consciously realize why.
In some cases, men may act recklessly or aggressively, not because they are fearless, but because they are afraid of being seen as weak.
Despite these differences in expression, the underlying fear is the same for both genders: "Am I good enough?"
Why This Matters
Understanding the origins of our insecurities is crucial because these fears don’t just live in our heads—they shape our entire approach to relationships, work, and life. When we operate under the belief that we are not good enough, we unconsciously act in ways that reinforce this belief.
The good news? These insecurities are not facts—they are learned beliefs. And just as we learned them, we can unlearn them.
In the next sections, we will explore in more depth how these insecurities play out in our romantic relationships and, most importantly, how to overcome them.
